4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
