So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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