I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
you had me at cake vodka
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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