you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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