You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
