I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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