we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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