he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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