I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
