carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Boobs are out for the taking
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
