Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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