Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
