is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
