Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
