My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
