Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
