john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Randomize
