Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize
