Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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