that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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