i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
