i don't like sucking hair
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
