you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
