i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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