is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
