I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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