I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
