I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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