My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Randomize
