After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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