I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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