im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
