you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
