I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
