Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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