Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
