getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
