just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
