Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
