May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
vagina is talking i cant
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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