genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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