Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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