All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
