thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
bring money and cleavage
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
