I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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