I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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