I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
