was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
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