Don't make out with my wife yet
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
