I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
