i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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